saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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