At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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