My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
