Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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