I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
As shirtless as possible
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
