I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize