Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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