I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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