This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
