About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
