It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
