We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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