your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
