My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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