i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Randomize
