Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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