Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
