I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
