Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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