Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
