Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
