You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
