3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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