Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
