Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
