Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
