i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
