and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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