i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
