I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
