my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You pole danced in your parka.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize