This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's shark week go big or go home
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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