Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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