Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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