bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
