My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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