How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
