If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
