You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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