Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
