It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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