i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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