this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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