My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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