it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the condom got lost in my hair
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
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