tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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