i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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