Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
