I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
