I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
