Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
