you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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