This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I had to cum in my sink.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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