see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
