I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
